You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
high people should be assigned attendants
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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