I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Randomize
