he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
