I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
