just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Someone signed my nipple.
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