if i can run in heels then i can drive
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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