I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
