is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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