I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
