True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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