Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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