That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
