he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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