I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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