You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
