my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
