Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
