Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
