he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
