while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize