I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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