Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
