then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You've changed since you got that strap on
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
