I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
