I just cut my nipple shaving
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
