I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
