Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
