I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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