i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
