Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
