My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
