yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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