I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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