hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
