Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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