Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
