I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
