I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
