she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
