At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I wish you could order shots online.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
