Can Purell be used as lube?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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