Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
