I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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