this beer tastes like vomit already
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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