I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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