i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
