why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
