The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
