3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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