I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
