drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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