I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
