Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do herpes really smell.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
