New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did I show you my penis last night?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
