I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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