Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
