Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
